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February 19, 2004

Dejected by the awareness of being alone 

Loneliness is one of the “restore points” of life… at least for me. When I became aware that I was alone, really and ultimately alone regardless of all family, friends or belief systems my life changed.

To me recognizing loneliness and experiencing the cycle of feelings it brought in the context of my personality and my purpose in life was an awakening. I was enlightened, it was profound. It was like waking up in shock and sorrow, but having the security of rock bottom.

I think, when you realize you are alone and insignificant, you start to embrace humanity and life on a different level. For me the enlightenment I speak of is probably best explained as intimacy. Loneliness taught me the value of intimacy at the same time it defined it. I did not know intimacy prior to being aware of the value of profound loneliness.

What I have written sounds like it’s something I experienced and is all over now, but No, luckily for me it is not. This dynamic called loneliness is a primary ingredient in the recipe of human life. For some reason that makes me feel safe.

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“I think that part of being human is being alone. And being lonely. I think one of the stresses on a lot of our friendships is that we require the people we love to take away that loneliness. And they really can't. And so, when we still feel lonely, even in the company of people we love, we become angry with them because they don't do what we think they're supposed to. Which is really something that they can't do for us.” Rich Mullins

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